Wednesday, 19 July 2017

Do we ever feel good enough?

sad women

I got sucked into the lie detector test episode of Love Island. Please don't judge me. I don't actually like the show I'm just nosey ok! But Camilla's answers and her explaining why they came up as a lie really got to me and got me thinking, do we ever feel good enough?

If you don't watch the show long story short. Girl meets boy, boy meets girl, boy is perfect, girl is also perfect (but she doesn't realise that), girl worries she is not good enough for him yet he can see that she is.

It broke my heart seeing her cry and explaining how her own insecurities are making her doubt herself and basically affecting her potential happiness. And lets face it, we have all been there. Well I know I have.

Not gonna lie I actually teared up watching because I know what it's like. Everything can be perfect and they haven't done anything wrong to you to doubt them in the slightest. But there it is, that little voice in your head that actually is a loud fucking voice and you forget about all of that and now you're crying yourself to sleep because your insecurities are getting in the fucking way.

You look at the person who means everything to you. You see the way they treat you and you couldn't ask for more. They make you laugh, they take care of you and make you the happiest you've felt. You look at them and notice actually how gorgeous they really are. And then it hits you. Shit, does everyone else see how gorgeous they are? Are they looking at us together and thinking 'why is he with her?' Are they thinking she doesn't deserve him? Because you don't. You really don't deserve him. And yes you do questions why is he with you because it's obvious they can do better. And then you hate yourself for thinking these things because all he does is treat you like the princess he sees you are. I mean it shouldn't matter what others think because he's with you, right? Wrong. None of that matters to the little voice in the back of your head.

You can't really tell him these things you feel. The things that go through your mind all day and all night. Because out loud you sound stupid. And you know they won't understand. I mean how do you say 'I don't feel good enough for you' to someone? 

But then you attempt to say how you feel so it doesn't eat you inside. Of course it doesn't come out how you wanted it to and now he's hurt because some how it's come across like you don't want to be with them. And then he gets angry because 'if he wanted to be with someone else they would be but they love you!' You know he's not really angry just frustrated because he knows your insecurities and no matter what he does never seems good enough. You say forget about it I'm just being silly. It's easier to just not explain your feelings anyways.

So you're back to square one. The little voice in your head chatting shit in your ear. You hating yourself for thinking the things you do. And hoping that one day you'll wake up and just allow yourself to be happy.

Insecurities are a bitch. 

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