If you know me personally then it's no secret that I have harmed in the past. I have never hid my scars that are over my body. You get a number of reactions when someone notices your scars. Some stare, some look at you with sadness, some with disgust and some simply ask.
Why I picked to cut is hard to explain. I never wanted to kill myself that was never my goal, it was all about control. The pain I was experiencing was caused by people/situations that at the time I felt I couldn't do anything about. Cutting myself gave me the power of how much pain I felt. I was able to clean myself up and help heal the pain I had caused. I had power that I had lost.
I carried on because it became an addiction. Whenever I became overwhelmed I turned to a blade. Some people turn to cigarettes, alcohol or drugs but this is what was helping me, or so I thought. As the years went by I realised I was doing more damage than good and upsetting the people closest to me. I decided to do something about it and hid my blades and stop using. To this day I still have the blades hidden in my room.
I have been asked if I will ever remove my scars and after a lot of thought my answer is no. They are a reminder of a big part of my life. A reminder that I am now stronger than the person I once was. I find myself stroking my scars on my arms subconsciously whenever I am stressed and need calming.
I actually started writing this post a year ago when I first started creating this blog. I was 2 years clean then. In September 2015 I relapsed. 5 major events happened in 2015. One after the other they happened and I refused to cry, I refused to speak to anyone about what was happening and just tried to keep a positive face. Eventually this all got to much and I turned to what I knew best. No one knew what I had done.
It is hard to get out of. There will be times you may relapse but that is ok. If you went from cutting every day to once a month that is a massive achievement and a step closer to recovery. I didn't speak to anyone about what I was going through and I believe if I did I wouldn't of cut again.
I know how hard it is to speak to people you know while you are suffering. Sometimes they just don't understand because they haven't been through it themselves. Sometimes you just don't want to hurt them with your problems. I don't want anyone to feel they have no one to speak to. To feel they are as alone as I felt. My email address is on the contact page. Please contact me if you need someone to talk to. Someone who has also been in your position. I find it easier to speak to someone you won't see on a day to day bases.
You are not alone xx