Wednesday, 17 August 2016

I'm freaking out


No I'm not being over dramatic when I say I'm freaking out. I mean I am generally freaking out, having panic attacks about life at least once a week. And it's not just one thing. It's multiple things that although I really shouldn't be worrying about I am and I can't help it.

Buying a house
I have been looking at houses to get a rough idea of how much I will need for deposit, mortgage, bills etc. I decided that I don't want to rent as the money I use while renting could be going towards a deposit for a house. After browsing for many months I have realised that I am pretty much screwed. I feel like my only two options are 1. nice house shit area or 2. shit house but nice area. Like there is literally no in between. And even when I find a decent(ish) house after bills, travel and everything else I would have about £100 to live on for the rest of the month! I've always wanted my own house that's why I wouldn't go for a council house but I kinda get it now. You can get some decent houses/flats on the council for barely anything!

When to have children
Ideally I wanted to have my first child at 27, in my own house after living there for a few years and travelling a bit. I'm 23 this year and still haven't moved out and barely seen the world. Having a child at that age is becoming unlikely. Which leaves me with the question, do I have a child at my ideal age but still be living at home (which is looking likely) or move out and then have a child in my 30s? I know there's nothing wrong with having kids in your 30s. My mum had both me and my sister in hers but that's just not how I wanted it. 

Should I come off my contraception and leave it to my boyfriend 
My contraception is making me fat. I'm eating the healthiest I ever have and even working out and yet I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life. Now if you look at me you wouldn't class me as fat I'm just saying I'm the biggest I've been. And more importantly it is making me self conscious and my confidence is plummeting. I am currently on the injection. I have tried numerous contraceptive pills but they either gave me pains, made me sick or my temper was getting so bad that it was causing problems in my relationship. I've tried the implant but that made me (TMI) bleed constantly for a year.  And the coil personally freaks me out and I wouldn't like to have it. That leave condoms. The only thing that is putting me off this is that I wanted to be in control of getting pregnant or not. If I'm on nothing then that give all control to the man and being the control freak that I am makes me itch from the inside out.

Please tell me I'm not the only one that freaks out about these kind of things? I wish I was one of those people who just lives in the moment. But sadly I am not. I am a planner that worries about her future.
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7 comments

  1. Jasmine, don't stress, you're young and talented! - enjoy life, you can't take it with you and sadly you don't know when it will end. So focus on the now. I know you said you are a planner who can't so think about taking small steps to acheive a goal. Your 20's are about adventure and finding who you are a house is honestly the last of your worries. Smile, love, laugh, write, travel and things have a way of falling into place :) don't waist it worrying :) I wish you all the best xxx

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    1. Thank you Emma. I know you are right and it's true you never do know when it will all end. I like the idea of the small steps to achieve goals. xxx

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  2. Honestly I was exactly the same a few years back and I had to find a way to let go otherwise it would have driven me mad. You say that you wanted children by the time you were 27, that still leaves 5 years, just imagine what has happened in 5 years to you already, 5 years ago you were 18 and I'm pretty sure things aren't the same as they were then? You still have so much time to get things sorted for yourself and I learnt years ago that I had to stop worrying about it. I'm 26 and trust me I thought I would have moved out, completed my degree and a million and one other things but the fact is I'm still living at home, haven't completed a degree but you know I'm quite happy because everyone ends up in different places at different times of their lives and it will work out eventually :). Just focus on short term goals and go from there, and trust me I know its easier said than done.
    Sorry for the mammoth essay xx

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    1. Thank you Amy. I need to find a way to let go how did you do it? I know what you mean about the 5 year thing. So much can happen in a year let alone 5. Don't say sorry for the comment I love reading it and was very helpful knowing others have felt how I have xx

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  3. You are definitely not alone, I understand how you want to be in control I'm very much like that myself and it was causing me so much bother I learned how to just let things happen when they happen and enjoy the now. It's hard to want things to happen and no matter what you do nothing seems to come of it, I get that also. This will sound awfully sappy and I apologise before hand but these things will happen for you when it's time and it will happen. No-one likes waiting especially when you want something so bad.

    Love your blog by the way :)

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    1. Don't apologies I enjoy reading you post. I do want it so bad haha but I know things will happen when they're meant to happen. As people say 'everything happens for a reason'. xx

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